STEVEN WRIGHT

Subject: ANOTHER OF MY HEROES  -  STEVEN WRIGHT
  If you're not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the  famous erudite scientist  who once said: "I woke up one morning, and  all of my stuff had been stolen  and replaced by exact  duplicates."  His mind sees things differently  than most of us  do. . .

  Here are some of his gems:

  1 - I'd  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  2 - Borrow money from pessimists --  they don't expect it  back.

  3 - Half the people you know are below  average.

  4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  5 -  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.




  6 - A conscience  is what hurts when all your other parts feel so  good.

  7 - A clear  conscience is usually the sign of a bad  memory.

  8 - If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the  rain.

  9 - All those who believe  in psycho kinesis, raise my  hand.

  10 - The early bird may get the  worm, but the second mouse gets  the cheese.

  11 - I almost had a  psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me  before we met.

  12 - OK,  so what's the speed of dark?

  13 - How do you tell when you're out  of invisible ink?

  14 - If everything seems to be going well, you  have obviously  overlooked something.

  15 - Depression is merely  anger without enthusiasm.

  16 - When everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong  lane.

  17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not  having enough sense to be  lazy.

  18 - Hard work pays off in the  future; laziness pays off  now.

  19 - I intend to live forever.... so  far, so good.

  20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy  her  friends?

  21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked  into jet  engines.

  22 - What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

  23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so  I  made your horn louder."

  24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?

  25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence  that  you tried.

  26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired  of  thinking.

  27 - Experience is something you don't get until just  after you  need it.

  28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional  to the softness  of the bread

  29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from  many is research.

  30 - The problem with  the gene pool is that there is no  lifeguard.

  31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll  have to  catch up.

  32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your  body is  required to be on it.

  33 - Everyone has a photographic  memory; some just don't have  film.


  34 If  at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for   you.


  And the all time favorite   -

  35 - If your car could travel at the speed of  light, would your  headlights work?